stream of consciousness involving podcasts, frozen pizza, and running

i listened to a podcast friday while i was grocery shopping that made me stop between the shallots and garlic. i made an ugly face. “UGH.”

can’t remember what the guy’s name was but he was saying that if you want to meet a goal, you shouldn’t go public with it. as soon as you publicize it, subconsciously you’ve already met the goal. and you stop trying. or something to that effect.

i scowled between produce bins at the podcast dude because i recently went public with my exercise goals. last month i plastered my face on Facebook — like you do when you’re working out on a wednesday evening and looking for a high five, a hug, a word of affirmation so you feel less shweaty gross and more shweaty awesome — thinking, “yes. this is it. i’m turning over a new leaf RIGHT NOW. THE TIME IS HERE. CARPE DIEM SELF.” i declared to my Facebook friend world that i was sticking my stake in the ground and completing an Olympic triathlon by the day i’m 30. (may 22, 2017.) and there in the HEB aisle i thought about how during this past week of 100+degree weather in houston i ran ONCE in preparation for a 5K on saturday–the next day. the morning after grocery shopping. i thought about how i had been wishing i never signed up for some stupid race during AUGUST in Houston.

who am i? really. what person makes this impulsive decision? 

i picked up a couple shallots. some were squishy. imma guess from this unreal humidity. i tossed the squishy ones to the side, grabbed some decent ones,  and turned back to my cart. i wondered…

so have i self sabotaged? will i follow through with my public goals? or am i pretty much categorized already and boxed in by some statistic? who is this TED talk guy anyway? on what authority does he tell me these things through my earbuds? 

y’all: i went home and ate a frozen pizza. I WENT HOME AND ATE HALF A FROZEN PIZZA THE NIGHT BEFORE A 5K. seriously. i bought food to cook in bulk and freeze. food on the paleo side of things. whole food. food that would meet the Whole 30 day challenge. and i also put a frozen pizza in my cart and went home AND ATE IT. before needing to wake at 5AM for a 5K.

who are you? seriously. you’re eating a pizza and watching netflix. do you even care about this race? do you care about your body? what are you doing? 

so yeah. that was my friday night. i went to bed later than probably what i could have.

the next morning my friend, brother, and community member Russell and i headed to the race. i was feeling grumpy and nervous. i didn’t feel like i ate bad pizza the night before but i was embarrassed that i had had PIZZA. i didn’t tell him. [hi, Russell. now you know.]

i could go on and on about the morning. how we warmed up. how lovely it was to watch the sun wake up and greet downtown Houston. how we stood in line to use port-a-potties. i’ll spare you.

but the moments when all this came together: when my feet hit the pavement with other bodies, other human beings like me who may or may not have had frozen pizza the night before (probably not. but maybe.). when my mind was unstuck by traveling with others in all their quirkiness seen in their coordinated team t-shirts, their particular gaits, their facial expressions, their laughter, their silence. my body remembered how to do this when i was in the pack, when i was part of something greater than me and my time on the treadmill and my Facebook updates.

going together for the sake of the process, not the sake of my achievement and time. that was the gift i received yesterday morning. i told some friends this past week that i hate running. it’s kinda true. i find it rather boring. they encouraged me to find something else: swimming, kickboxing, Crossfit, anything. haven’t made any decisions yet on this dilemma. but i have decided this: i believe there Is something powerful about sharing one’s goals with others. about sharing conversation. about sharing laughter and tears about them. i’m not sure i agree with our podcast friend. see, seeking to meet goals in community–like by running yesterday in downtown Houston with 400+ other folks–transcended my pizza blues. no shame felt. more love and grace and kindness and acceptance and encouragement.

10K Saturday September 12 in Bastrop TX with my friend Hillary. prayers, kind thoughts, and encouragement welcome. [i’d love to hear your goals too.]