this lenten journey

i’ve been led up to this season of lent by a longing for deep centeredness. for reorientation. for some sort of equilibrium that sticks. 

during the past…i’m not sure how long, actually…i’ve been living from a place of disorientation. like there’s water in my ears. feeling jolted and jarred inside about 90% of the time. as if i’m stuck in that weird nauseous moment right before being sick—where there’s that odd yet familiar sense of ‘oh my gosh when will this end i just want to throw up so i can feel still again.’ 

it’s an uncomfortable place to be. 

culture shock. growth. loss. grief. joy. community. solitude. loneliness. silence. noise. fresh connections. rusty connections. learning.

for nearly two years, i’ve been running from writing down my thoughts and feelings and reflections. these 40 days of lent i’m living into the discipline of writing. of practicing boldness in sharing with God and others the words that are rumbling around inside me. of giving up control over what i feel like is mine. of my fingers letting go of digging into themselves so they can feel the Hands that hold them.

i do pray the water seeps out of my ears so i can hear more clearly and feel less plugged up…but i’m not sure it will. this dizzy season may be a long one.  instead may i listen and write and learn to hear the Word through this weirdly disorienting water.